THE UNLOVED SON
CLAYBOY’S ORIGIN
CLAYBOY
H-hey, guys?… Al? I’m sorry — I know I should’ve told you, but…
AL
What’s wrong, son?
CLAYBOY
Well…..
BUBBY
Shiyet… yew alright, Clayboy?
HAROLD
(from the rafters) He wants to tell you he was recording you the same way I was, Al. Remember the Rockettes? How you smashed the tapes? (snickers) Clayboy was smarter than me. I just recorded over Carol Anne’s Barbara Streisand and your Creedence Clearwater and you broke your own tapes like an idiot. Clayboy did it digitally so you couldn’t destroy them even if you’re pissed, Grampa Munster! Lolz
AL
….hell, what do I care… but w-wait… what did you record?
CLAYBOY
It’s the night you guys were talking about how… (beat) It’s the stupid fucking story about me, ok?!
Silence.
AL
(softly) ….hit play, son.
▶ TAPE PLAYS
AL ◉ ON TAPE
Can you believe it, Bubby? Been damn near a year since we saved that boy and he whipped us into shape…
BUBBY ◉ ON TAPE
Yeah, well… it’s been a bumpy ride, but a fun one, Al…
AL ◉ ON TAPE
Bub, remember that night in this here garage… the way that kid flew out the front door across the street… the blood on his arm as he tried to stand… a fuckin’ baby and he didn’t catch a single fuckin’ step…
BUBBY ◉ ON TAPE
Well… Clayboy had just turned eighteen and had just told his parents… he… he told ’em he was homosexual… and his momma started to cry…
BUBBY ◉ ON TAPE
Matt said “Look what you did to your mother”… and he slapped him… then he slapped him again…
BUBBY ◉ ON TAPE
…the boy’s body betrayed him, Al…
BUBBY ◉ ON TAPE
(stammering) …then he… he said… a-an-and Clay said he was… he said i-i-im…
■ TAPE STOPS
CLAYBOY
(crying) I SAID I’M A FAGGOT, OK?!
HAROLD
Hisses and jumps down from the rafters and runs away.
BUBBY
Y-yeah… sure is what you tole me you said… c-Clayboy… s-sorry.
AL
Yeah, son, we weren’t-
CLAYBOY
No – shakes head I know…
AL
Wanna talk about it, son? I reckon none of us has really talked about it other than me feelin’ good about what we did but we ain’t heard your side.
CLAYBOY
shrugs maybe….
AL
Well, good – that’s good – have a seat. Breathe with us.
Al and Bubby and Clay each take a big breath and exhale.
CLAYBOY
We better open the door, this garage is about to get rank – more than usual – i didn’t brush today.
Al hits the clicker.
AL
Gosh don’t air feel good?
CLAYBOY
laughs it sure did THAT night, Al… once i got away from your pits and the fish and whiskey on your breath.
All laugh.
CLAYBOY
Well like i told Bubby later on – i said-…. it, the word. They thought i was joking. Both drunk – beer drunk. Fuckin’ kicks bucket hard Trash!
AL
stands up – points at Clay You keep goin’. We’re listenin’… goes behind a cabinet
CLAYBOY
Well that was it… they were drunk – they heard the word and knew i wasn’t joking. Karen went dramatic like she did when one of her disgusting cats got out. Down to her knees – but instead of me springing into action to go find it – Matt went into action…
AL
Hold on – walks back around with a duffel bag full of old clothes and slams it on the ground
THRACK!
CLAYBOY
Whoaw shit!… a collapsible baton?! holds the baton on his lap and shrugs thanks….
BUBBY
Shiyet – careful with that thing, Clayboy – swing with your body – n-not yer hand… k-kay?
CLAYBOY
nods then he began hitting me. swings
CRACK
CLAYBOY
smiles – bright eyes, looks at Al
BUBBY
Sh-shiyet, all them yer clothes?
AL
And a fryin’ pan… clothes don’t cut it sometimes….
CLAYBOY
LOOK WHAT YOU DID SHIT STAIN! and he hit me.
CRACK
CLAYBOY
I put my hands up to cover my face.
CRACK
CLAYBOY
sobs Y-You ain’t s’pose ta put your hands up when you’re bein’ punished!
CRACK
CRACK!
CLAYBOY
HE NEEDS TO BE CALLED TO ANSWER FOR HIS SINS, MATT!! – Karen fucking Morrison.
BUBBY
Closes his eyes, lowers his head, fingers interlocked. His knee bobs.
CLAYBOY
He made a fist – and that was it. I just felt… sick. I just seen stars— SAW!! wipes nose …i SAW stars…. God help me if i ever begin talking like them i’ll cut my own tongue out.
AL
blinks through a tear and nods Doin’ ok?
CLAYBOY
nods So i caught my breath gasps and exhales He said “No, no filth – we ain’t done yet… floor ain’t for you – not in THIS house”… he stood me up and planted his boot on my fucking chest. The piece of SHIT!
CRACK!
CLAYBOY
Grabbed the door handle for leverage and kicked my ass out – literally. laughs
CLAYBOY
I-I saw… Disneyland – or a carnival -… i don’t know what the fuck it was but it was all fucking hot pink… like magenta – clouds. Y-you guys think that means something? – anyway… like i said – that breeze of freshness from Bubby’s clothes rushed past me… then YOU! Al – the pits… the breath… and i knew i was alive.
BUBBY
G-Go- eyes flutter, face twitches -Go-I…
AL
reaches over and squeezes Bubby’s shoulder I think what Bubby’s wantin’ to say is that we’re real proud of you, Clay – smiles and shakes his head Ain’t we, Bub?
Bubby looks up trying to hide tears and nods. Looks back down.
CLAYBOY
Well – anyway – i had TWO angels in fucking combat boots that night… You wanna take over, Al? I heard the tape probably a thousand times – i love how you do Matt’s voice. laughs
AL
nods g-go on then, son – play it if ya want to….
▶ TAPE RESUMES
BUBBY ◉ ON TAPE
-and your armpits, Al…
Laughter.
AL ◉ ON TAPE
Then what happened, Bub?
BUBBY ◉ ON TAPE
Sir?… I…
AL ◉ ON TAPE
shrugs anything, Bill… We never discussed any of it. Normally after a battle there would have been reports – our own accounts – I reckon this was both of our first tangle as civilians…
BUBBY ◉ ON TAPE
Well… General… I don’t right remember it like you might… we saved a child that night… that was about it…
AL ◉ ON TAPE
Son… listen to me… Loog-atme Bubby…
CLAYBOY
laughs off tape Fuckin’ drunk.
AL ◉ ON TAPE
Bub? You charged harder than I have EVER! – seen a man charge IN MY LIFE that night – as the kid’s dad came out, walkin’ down those stairs with that chef’s knife in his hand…
AL ◉ ON TAPE
The blood on that kid’s arm and that thousand-yard stare lookin’ straight at us. You remember Clayboy’s face as he wobbled crawlin’ for his fuckin’ life?
BUBBY ◉ ON TAPE
No sir… i just remember watchin’ the weapon.
AL ◉ ON TAPE
If I was younger, it would’ve been me… I barely got there in time to help the kid off the floor.
AL ◉ ON TAPE
Then we heard it – the snaps, the screams – me and Clayboy held each other tight as we walked to the garage… (laughs) Got kinda scared.
AL ◉ ON TAPE
What’s sonbitches name – “Matheeewww”… it’s not Matt is it, it’s Matheewww.
AL ◉ ON TAPE
GOD! That felt GOOD when he started to cry, Bubby.
BUBBY ◉ ON TAPE
Well…
AL ◉ ON TAPE
Well nothin’… “Waaaa… ma arm… waaaa ma other arm!”…
■ TAPE STOPS
CLAYBOY
Well you guys remember the rest, don’t you?
AL
nods Sure do – once we got you inside i turned into a maniac… i ain’t never cared for a child before! Just trying to find something a kid would like… I had a Hi-C from when Carol Anne’s nephew visited.
CLAYBOY
That Hi-C was like – 4 years expired – It had grape jelly and barbecue sauce and i could swear it had it’s own heart beat…probably my own adrenaline…but it made me smile thinking about it when i went to bed later that night.
AL
yeah, well… then i thought gasp what if he’s gotta use the can?! Last thing kid needs to see are my old pubes and shit-stained bowl…Couldn’t tell ya how i got the yella off the underside of the lid…
AL
And you – sumbitch – you snuck that scotch, didn’t ya!!
All laugh.
CLAYBOY
You said i could!
AL
I did NO such thing! I said-
CLAYBOY
mimics Al’s voice “You’re old enough to die for this country, you’re old enough for me to trust you in my own God Damn house… but you won’t find answers in there – ever!”
BUBBY
giggles Shiyet Al, Clayboy’s got yer number…
▶ TAPE RESUMES
AL ◉ ON TAPE
The General had been awakened, Bub – seein’ you charge the way you did… I went into combat mode. Scrubbing and cleaning. After that I hit the guest room – stunk like old… man – dust, m-mil… dusty, moldy, fart-n-feet… and books!
AL ◉ ON TAPE
Used the God damn Windex as air freshener… when that didn’t do nothin’ but add ammonia – I grabbed some English Leather – smashed it into the rug – I thought ‘Oh FUCK me…’
Laughs on and off tape.
BUBBY ◉ ON TAPE
I remember comin’ in hot, Al, and screamin’ at the boy – he was lookin’ at one of them magazines of yours and cradlin’ that bottle.
BUBBY
S-sorry, Clayboy… shiyet, I guess i forgot what Grandmamma Donaleigh taught me about placin’ my own onto others…
Clay waves off the apology.
BUBBY ◉ ON TAPE
You set me straight, Al – you yelled… uhh… ‘GIVE THE MAN A FUCKIN’ BREAK, SOLDIER!’
BUBBY
Sh-shiyet… i didn’t know you was eighteen…. plus i saw that bottle first thing. I-I guess i thought you looked kinda like Refugio – o-only white-like…and well-shiyet..all of our momas and d-daddies died from the consumption or somethin’ related…
CLAYBOY
Shit – i’m sorry Bub
BUBBY
It’s alright Clay – th-THEN i saw that magazine and well..i thought…the way all goes on and on…
CLAYBOY
Yeah but it was just a titty magazine…and i’m gay!
BUBBY
well- shiyet…th-none that figured into it, You just looked like a bleedin’ baby, s-son-Brother….thats what you are – like the little brother i never did have…
AL
Jesus Maury Povich! All over a magazine? You can name it! it’s literature!
▶ TAPE RESUMES
AL ◉ ON TAPE
Remember the sirens, Bub? Matt was still rollin’ around on the ground – wailin’ – and Sanchez showed up – wanted the statement? How the kid flipped and thought they wanted to take HIM in?
BUBBY ◉ ON TAPE
Shiyet… yeah, poor fella thought HE done something wrong…
■ TAPE STOPS
CLAYBOY
I really fucking did, guys – i was so scared when i heard they wanted to see me….
AL
Well i just-
CLAYBOY
I’m SO glad i did – you brought up “what about the next Clayboy,” Al – and Bubby, you grounded my ass – “He just wants a statement – Armando is our friend.”
AL
Shit, you do a great Bubby too!!
CLAYBOY
Then you went outside, Al… you gave me this smile that made me happy… i don’t know why – but i found out later.
AL
Wha-
CLAYBOY
Just listen and close your mouth.
CLAYBOY
HARRY IF YOU’RE LISTENING I’M PLAYING YOUR TAPE!
Silence.
CLAYBOY
Good – no answer means yes…
AL
What the fuck- you guys got yer own CODES?!
▶ HAROLD’S TAPE
Harold and Clayboy giggling together.
HAROLD ◉ ON TAPE
ok, ok ok – ok…. ok so here comes Al wobbling like a stuffed turkey sucking in his gut – then he remembers to breathe and it all goes to shit.
CLAYBOY ◉ ON TAPE
That’s not nice, Harry…
HAROLD ◉ ON TAPE
Hey, i’m just a journalist…
CLAYBOY ◉ ON TAPE
So what happened?
HAROLD ◉ ON TAPE
He droned on blah blah blah – giving facts. Sanchez was gonna charge Bubby until Al straightened it. THEN!! He sent Sanchez inside….
CLAYBOY ◉ ON TAPE
Right – for my statement… nice guy – kinda cute too.
HAROLD ◉ ON TAPE
Meh – good face, bad breath…. we went on a stakeout once an- well forget it, that’s another story….
AL
JESUS – WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN’ ON AROUND HERE?!
BUBBY
giggles Shiyet, Al, you miss a lot on that whiskey-go-round.
AL
I’m probably better off!! gulps
HAROLD ◉ ON TAPE
You’re gonna love this part, Clayboy – tell me to stop if it’s not cool, but you won’t.
CLAYBOY ◉ ON TAPE
o-o-okay….
HAROLD ◉ ON TAPE
Ok, you know those bushy eyebrows of Al’s and those eyes he makes when he’s right and knows it and knows everyone else knows it…
CLAYBOY ◉ ON TAPE
The rounds? The scary ones?
HAROLD ◉ ON TAPE
BINGO!
HAROLD ◉ ON TAPE
Ok i don’t do a good Al – but pretend i do…. kay?
CLAYBOY ◉ ON TAPE
Kay…
HAROLD ◉ ON TAPE
Kay – so he watches Sanchez go inside and says “Yeah i’ll watch the criminal, Sergeant – poor guy ain’t running anywhere” – and he turned around and i saw those eyes. I almost hissed. Punk rock was about to begin.
CLAYBOY ◉ ON TAPE
Oh jesus – i don’t know if i wanna know…
HAROLD ◉ ON TAPE
…you didn’t say stop – So anyway – he gave cash to those paramedics, told them to fuck off and get a slice or something – “I wanna have a word with ma’ neighbor in private – let him know his sons gonna be safe from now on”
CLAYBOY ◉ ON TAPE
snorts Yeah?
HAROLD ◉ ON TAPE
Ok – and then this part was great – he leaned in, i thought Al was gonna kiss him on the lips…. i thought “now THAT’S a bold technique”… but instead he just put his hand over Matt’s mouth and grabbed – you know… that part… that hurts everyone.
CLAYBOY ◉ ON TAPE
Uh.. ear? Sideburns?
HAROLD ◉ ON TAPE
No… c’mon…
CLAYBOY ◉ ON TAPE
Nose? Pubes?
HAROLD ◉ ON TAPE
BALLS, Clayboy – his sack, he grabbed Matt’s nuts and twisted like he was fighting a 300-pound rabbit in the ground over an unbreakable carrot.
CLAYBOY ◉ ON TAPE
JEEZ! I didn’t know THAT!! How come it didn’t come up later at the trial?
HAROLD ◉ ON TAPE
I’ll get to that… but there he was, scanning – my fucking hero… i smiled… hoped he’d see me but i don’t think he did… i’m too good at the art of evasion… anyway. He smelled his own fingers – “Whew! What’s that smell like, Matthyew?! Let’s see, i count sniffs Windex, cigar, whiskey, 70’s aftershave and the bottom of my own balls… That’s five – can you count, Matt?”
CLAYBOY ◉ ON TAPE
laughs Frickin’ drunk – i love it…
HAROLD ◉ ON TAPE
Told ya…. and he said, he said um… “no no you can dance all ya want, sally, but i’m holdin’ these for now…” and he twisted again – then he said “Now listen once and listen good…. You’re lucky i didn’t get my hands on you first because that bitch wife o’ yers would be speakin’ with a coroner right now instead of drinkin’ the rest of your Coors Lite wonderin’ what we’re talkin’ about here inside this ambyewlance Maythyew!”
HAROLD ◉ ON TAPE
Then your dad started crying – “mrvr MRFR MRVR FRFR!!” whatever that means… it made Al do better. And he said “You ever touch an innocent again like that – you better pray the next real man comes along does you in quick… because if Al Michael finds out – boy, i’ll waste the rest of my pension and freedom to pull you apart – slow-like.”
AL
This- this…. this is clearly hearsay… from an ornery CAT!
HAROLD ◉ ON TAPE
I love Al.
On tape: Harold & Clayboy gasp.
Off tape: Al & Bubby gasp.
CLAYBOY
snorts
HAROLD ◉ ON TAPE
Don’t make it weird or YOU’RE the weirdo… kay? I love him like i love you, like i love Bubby… But he’s the kind you wanna stick around – like a mentor. Bubby did the work necessary and stopped at 6:00pm. That’s why i love him… he’s the me i WISH i could be sometimes…
HAROLD ◉ ON TAPE
But Al…. he puts in the overtime to make sure the quota gets met and if it doesn’t, he does the work himself… i guess that’s probably why they gave him those little stars made out of soda can… huh?
CLAYBOY ◉ ON TAPE
Shit… so then why didn’t Matt say anything?
HAROLD ◉ ON TAPE
Oh!! This was the best part – besides the game of twister. He heard Sanchez and Bubby coming out and he smiles with his eyes and he said “there ain’t nothin’ you can do – you ain’t nothin’ but nothin’… no witnesses, no victim – you’re just one big fat nothin’… isn’t that right, Sgt.?”
CLAYBOY ◉ ON TAPE
And that’s why?
HAROLD ◉ ON TAPE
I dunno… did YOU hear anything about Al being charged?
CLAYBOY ◉ ON TAPE
No….
HAROLD ◉ ON TAPE
The guy’s clearly ahead of the game… he knows what he’s doing…. now if i could only gain access to-
Clay stops recording and closes the folder, logs off.
BUBBY
whistles long, loud, hard – eyes wide
AL
eyes wobble, each trying to focus on Clayboy’s anything What the FUCK did we just become party to here, Clayboy?! W-What did we just listen to!?!
CLAYBOY
I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about – you’re drunk….
BUBBY
Clayboy’s got an airtight fact on ya, Al… ‘scuse me, General….
AL
grins and drools I was pretty glorious in my time, wan’t i, fellas….
BUBBY
Time ain’t over yet, Al – clock’s still workin itself out……shiyet…
CLAYBOY
Yeah it is….
AL
Smiles – shrugs
CLAYBOY
Then i met ‘him’…remember later, Al? we were gonna go get a steak? After i puked and took a shower i was in the room, i dropped the towel… i was looking at what Matt did to me. His stupid fucking shoeprint on my goddamn chest… i heard him….he said “WOW!”
AL
Fuckin’ Harold…He probably weasnt expectin to see you in your birthday suit…
BUBBY
Shiyet…
CLAYBOY
he wasnt – I freaked out and grabbed the towel – i thought you walked in on me and said Wow or something. But it was just Fat Cat, his face burried in the corner apologizing
CLAYBOY
Yeah, Al… so that’s why when i came out… you remember before i saluted you? i asked…
AL
sits up, looks around Y-yeah – this fella asked if he was gonna wake up wi-…. nevermind…
CLAYBOY
begins to cry
AL
I’m sorry, son – that was a dirty, cheap rib…I-I was just trying to treat you like any other man I’d rib but if im honest I don’t know exactly what it’s l-like, it’s like for a-for
CLAYBOY
Smiles, rolls eyes Stop before you swallow your tongue, Al!
AL
Sighs thanks…..
CLAYBOY
Do you remember what you said?!
AL
gulps nervous Kinda – not really the whole phrase….
CLAYBOY
Erupts in laughter – tears forming You laughed and said “well i’m flattered but you just aint my type – see i aint interested in a romantic relationship where im the one with the bigger tits….”
AL
Nods Yeap…th-that’s what i said alright…meant it to – still do!
BUBBY
I don’t understand….
AL
Let it g-
CLAYBOY
Crying I asked if i was gonna wake up with his dick in my ass! and WHY he was he helping me.
BUBBY
face turns pale, body recoils, eyes look away Oh – I – uh… i – oh.. je- shit.
AL
Bubby! Calm down, Bub!!
CLAYBOY
Relax, Bubby!!
BUBBY
No yeah but i j-i…. Crap – i-drink. Drink, Al?
AL
It’s an order, soldier!
BUBBY
gulps, sighs Gollee…. that-that-that….
Al and Bubby stare at Clay holding the bottle without passing.
CLAYBOY
swigs, crumples inward, EXPLODES Well what the fuck did I KNOW?!?! The only other men i ever knew who WEREN’T Matthew fucking Morrison who ever paid attention were a pastor my “parents” left me alone with… and every time he insisted we play board games without shoes or socks… make of THAT what you will…
BUBBY
OH!!
AL
WHATTHA F-!
CLAYBOY
And Then a piece of shit substitute teacher offered to tutor me for free… my mom dropped me off and drove off drunk… the prick shut the air conditioning off… said it broke and vanished then came out in basketball shorts and a wife beater. I shut my math book and ran… and i got my fuckin’ ass kicked for that too when i got home! I didnt even NEED the help. he marked me down on purpose! Fuckin’ asshole….
AL
Jesus…. let’s stop there for a second, Clay… a-alright? u-unless you wanna keep go-
BUBBY
Shiyet Al…. c-Clay- I…
HAROLD
(from behind a wall) Do you have his address, Clay?
CLAYBOY
eyes widen with terror – stands up hard and fast N-
HAROLD
Ya’ know… for fun. smiles
CLAYBOY
God… no NO!! Harry!!
AL
HAROLD?! GENERAL!! LOOK AT ME, SOLDIER!!!
BUBBY
Sh-FUCK – AL!! – Al!!!…. Harry’s got that look in them eyes…. hides behind Al
CLAYBOY
Harry… STOP!!….
HAROLD
I was just squinting, you idiots…. isn’t a pussy allowed to get eye boogers?
HAROLD
Geez… you guys just backed away like the guys on the shit end of the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre… what were we even talking about?
AL
Y-yeah…. nothin’, we wasn’t talkin’ about nothin’, Harry… just about how Clayboy moved in… you were new here too, soldier… you remember?
HAROLD
Yeah…
Crickets. All stare at each other.
HAROLD
I have new scissors…. you guys wanna see them?
AL
NO! – we don’t wanna see it, Harr- how about we go out? Steaks and seafood tower! On Al!
HAROLD
Jeane’s or that ‘mere le buttwipe’ French place? Those are the only two places that’ll accept me… mother f-
BUBBY
H-How about that new Javier’s? i-i got ya this, Harry – in case ya wanted to join me… see, i’m allowed to have a service helpin’ friend…
HAROLD
gasps Oh that’s CUTE!!! Look away, guys! Clayboy? Strip! holds paws up.
CLAYBOY
Do you wanna put the overalls back on or…..
HAROLD
Actually….yeah – taking off the t-shirt feels good i don’t like to eat hot…You think we could find me some culottes?
CLAYBOY
What are those?
HAROLD
Nevermind – let’s go…
CLAYBOY
I gotta breathe a sec guys…. sits down
Everyone settles. Clay rolls the mouse to a specific timestamp.
▶ TAPE PLAYS
AL ◉ ON TAPE
And there i sat, Bubby… while you were gettin’ ready – i was starin’ at the floor as our Clayboy dropped to his knees and wailed into his shirt… like it was nothin’… like it was just….just like you n me bend the elbow – just like any one breathes…
BUBBY ◉ ON TAPE
Sh-shiyet… sniffles
AL ◉ ON TAPE
mhm….. boy learned to muffle his sadness and i sat there lookin’ at the bottom of his lonely shoe – the hole in it. And there i was sittin’ on the edge of the tub thinkin’ about all of the time i spent whining about the god damn whistle…. carol anne…. fuckin’ pathet-
■ TAPE STOPS
AL
Thanks for that, son – Thanks, Clayboy…
CLAYBOY
winks you bet…..
All four stare at each other – sighing.
AL
makes a mouth noise, digging in his molars with his tongue
BUBBY
Exhales through nose Shiyet….long day wipes face
CLAYBOY
Shoves hand down his underwear, adjusts his crotch – sniffs his fingers – shrugs Still smell like shower…..
Silence.
HAROLD
eyes scan everywhere, stop on Al …….WOW!!!!!!…….
CLAYBOY
Snorts out a booger onto his upper lip
All laugh.
CLAYBOY
Let’s get the fuck outta here….
. . . . .
WE ARE
MJL METACHRON
. . . . .
Misericordia per Iustitiam, cum Amore