“THE END OF AL’S CAREER”

Just press play, son.

Anyone that’s ever mattered has already seen up the skirt, Bub – the allure is gone…Hit play – that’s an order!

(sighs) Look Shorty, before we begin this jackass rehearsal I thought up…I just wanted to say thanks for takin’ the call…helpin’ me out.

Yehehw son of a Bitch….that sure was a fun night wan’t it?

Yeah – let’s get on with it….and don’t go easy on me. Just give it to me how they’re gonna come at me….

(snorts and speaks under his breath) If ever I saw a sign of surrender – ‘ts good enough for me…pusillanimous…. Go on, “SIR what am I leaving out, SIR?”

(walks behind Short’s desk, finds the bottle in its normal place) Can I pour you one, Shorty? Keep goin’ Evaluator “dickhead.”

Th-that’s it Horace? That’s all they really got?

(grins and walks back to his seat with the bottle) So all I have to do is tell the truth….

(sighs and nods) Yeah….well…about that….

Alright Horry….here it goes. (coughs, clears throat, puts the bottle down, closes the cap) The shirt, Sir – I saw a man abusing his power over civilians I was charged to protect. One of my best men defended them. General Villanueva came into my office where I was speaking with Corporal Wallace, writing my own report – I’m sure it’s available – if not, I have my own copy here.

I placed my notebook down and the General from the Spanish unit used his riding crop to shove my notes onto the floor. He lunged. I reacted. His corporal drew a knife. Wallace engaged. Disarmed him. Broke the arm — bone through the sleeve.

I helped the General up – his face bled on my shirt. I hung the shirt up and continued on with my service and there it’s hung since….

Dammit Short – ain’t you ever been to the WRONG restaurant….you sht yer damned undies or step in dog shit with yer bare socks on a bender….you go inside walkin’ wonky and you take the shit-stained article off and shove it in a corner and forget?

Don’t need to, don’t care to. What you do and say in the beauty parlor is YOUR business, soldier….

Jeezus..you mean about the “hating the bureaucracy” and the chain of command? (opens the bottle again and swigs. Refills Short’s cup, held at the end of an extended arm)

The truth, Shorty…I’ll say “Sure, Sir – I don’t like red tape, the same kind that gets you held up at the DMV or stuck fightin’ with a cable company about the double charge on that big boxing fight that I never got returned. But hate the thing that made me? No – absolutely not.”

You see, Sir, with all due respect — I joined the service when I was sixteen or seventeen – hell it’s been so long I can’t even remember….My own damned daddy signed the paper for me. I wanted to follow in my buddies’ footsteps who got drafted. I ended up in Vietnam during the last year or two.

The chain of command is the only thing I’ve ever known and respected my entire adult life as an American Man – as a warrior, as a soldier. It made me who I am today and learning to submit to it made me what I AIN’T….Keepin’ the shirt I forgot about was a mistake of youth, sure. But servin’ how I served – for my men and their loved ones, for mercy, for justice, for love of righteousness….that’s the only thing that’s ever mattered, and there’s no framing you could possibly come up with to make me feel different about what I’ve done up until I caught my wife in our marital bed with another man.

(shrugs) Thanks Shorty….

Yeah well…what was General Alexander Michael at his finest – let me tell YEW!!

Well, Lieutenant Colonel Shorty… (grins wide) here it is, pal… (pulls his chair in closer) So – I was drunk when I got there. I entered MY OWN god damned property with MY OWN key believing I was gonna be alone in MY OWN god damn house…

I heard a noise in the can… the downstairs one… the one SHE always used… we had one of them… what do ya’ call it… the mirrors with the lights all around like them movie stars use…?

(glares at Short) Your ex made you get one too…didn’t she, Shorty?

Cheers to that one, fella!!

Yeah, boy….As I got closer I could SMELL the Aquanet… enough to punch a god damn fuckin’ hole in the ozone, Horace… that shoulda told me… but I didn’t even think it could be Carol Anne… but sure enough… there she was, sittin’ on her ass in some skimpy outfit teasin’ her bangs like it was the 80’s again. She had Bon Jovi on the radio… GOD! I hate people from New Jersey!

(chuckles) Yeah well she looked up – her fake ass eyelash f- (begins to laugh) Her fucking eyelas fell off and she begin to squeal “Ayal… Ayal what r yew doin’ here?!?! Oh ma god! I, I, I, I, I, I” — I WHAT, BITCH?!?!

“Bitch! I LIVE HERE!!!” I said… then I heard it… HIM… I guess…

Yup… that second rate ocean chump fuckin’ dickhead water nurse with the senator uncle, got me in this position….

Yeah…well….so I said, uh… “Intruders?!?! Wait here Honey!! I’ll save you!!” I said.

Yeah – She was screaming real loud… tryin’ to get my attention or warn him… both I’m sure… “Ayal wait… WAIT!! Don’t go up there I need to talk ta yew!! I, I, I…” I turned around… bitch was still holdin’ her curler in place. She couldn’t even talk. I says to her… I says… uh… “Wait there honey… it could be a bear!!!”

(unsheathes the Ka-Bar, looks a bit remorseful) I wasn’t gonna use it, Horace… we both know that…

What’s that supposed to mean, Lieutenant Colonel?!

(smiles with glistening lips) “Oh ma god!” she said… “RUUUN… RUN RIYICK!! HE’S GOT A KNAF!!”

“BITCH!! Where’s he gon’ run to on a second floor?!” I thought to myself… but…

…Well…

Well… he DID run, Horace… right out the god damn window…

That’s the plain truth of all of it, Horace…

An-and so I said “Well little, Little Ricky Dicky… The Coastie dipshit with a double titty… How are YEW, fellow servant of the realm?!”

Laugh… it’s alright… you’re allowed… it’s only me that’s fucked… and yeah – a big one…I got a taxi waitin’ for me…

And then?… shit, and then nothin’… he was cryin’ real loud… “Waaaa ma leyeg… Waaa you bastard… yew broke ma leg!!”

(shrugs) Not everything…

So what?… the man was naked… coverin’ his pathetic little pecker as Carol Anne ran outside. She took off that tiny thing she was wearin’… I said “Oh my GOD!! What a sickening sight… have you people no shame?! There are good Christian folks livin’ here!!”… then I tossed the bastard’s shit out the window… belt buckle landed square on his nuts.

I said “Here… ready Ricky?” He put his hands up to catch but he missed… ain’t my fault the fuckin’ homewrecking klutz is a butterfingers…

Thanks for hearin’ me out, Shorty.

And that was it, fellas…

Yeah, well….if you’re referrin’ to the speech, it made the REAL evaluator kinda emotional like too…Hank G. Schulte, Ph. D. ….the Hessian fuckin’g- cunt…Gave me everything I was due….. The Corps let me walk clean after Shorty helped me realize I wan’t wrong… Pension, stars, the whole bag. Hung up the uniform with my dignity intact. (beat) Then Carol Anne’s lawyers backed in the trailer and stood up the obelisk. A civilian judge told me to squat-n’-bare down…and, well…a civilian judge and a team of fuckin’ snakes ain’t somethin’ General Al was prepared for, boys…that’s how come I got to keep these here chromium plated stars…and nothin’ else.

(sighs) ….Those are the breaks sometimes, kid…